Who abandons whom?

Dear Diary. My recent ex-wife, have I mentioned that I love her?

Takes a long time to remove someone who occupies the central place in a withdrawn life. We've been separated for a year. Separation was on the horizon years before that. Divorce is now final. No need for whys, you don't need to know. Just another paper or plastic tragedy. Here's the part that I meant to write about today.

I don't normally dream much. For months now, I've had a ferocious string of almost daily dreams about her. Romantic, sexual; painful joy in every waking recollection.
I did not know if I could take many more of them.
I did not know if I could survive them.
I did so by thinking that the doubting part of her found a way to me. She couldn't walk backwards to me, her focus is rightfully forward. But did she find a way to reach me? Or was this my final enjoyment of her, passing before my eyes?

What's the function of these dreams? To break my heart? To heal it? To move me into foolish, cruel action? Did my dream laziness parallel what I assumed about our marriage, that she'd always be around?

Last night, I had an emotionally pale dream where she helped make my bed in the morning. We paid a lot of attention to the geometry of it, as always. No words, just something quiet and mysterious. Anticipatory.

I cannot tell you whether these dreams have had a purpose, or a meaning. What can I hope here? There's not an option of interpretation that doesn't make me sick. Today, I feel sick with possibilities. None of them include her.