mty Lfe

I can't say that I enjoy writing but that no longer matters. My name is Frank and I am an alcoholic. My name is Phil and I'm a writer. My name.

'm not comparing my plight with those folks whose lives blow apart when they pick up a drink. For some afflictions, it's what you can't do, what might destroy you that defines you. Others, it's what you have to do that defines you. I guess that I'm saying that I am ill-defined, lacking sharp black outlines. Color inside of the lines if you can find them.

I might be locked out of heaven. It's not as dramatic as being in Hell. Nothing that desperate or scratchy. Think flattened affect, think of a streaky window, think of that thought that just eluded you.

Fruitless. Barren. Dim. Those are my non-writing conditions. See, nothing too severe. I want to touch that heat, just like Peter says. A thousand fruitless searches. Why not risk everything? I have nothing now and I expect less in the future. Am I a person who can't have anything he wants? Might be the best way. I mock those who find themselves in a monestary, winter wheat. That's what I'm contemplating: a drastic limitation, a row to hoe.

I haven't told you about the book that I imagine. It's a character, not a book so much, who is a version of me. It takes little skill to steal your own life. I don't have the temerity to steal someone else's life yet. The other character is me too. A younger version of myself. The little boy that was lost. Waaaah! No, it's nothing tragic about me, just a reflection on the common stream that misdirects us from our lives.

Those are the only characters that I care about. Except for the one my character loves and can't be with. There's nothing autobiographical here. It's a matter of what the character can't face down, can't ask of anyone. See, about me. Not her. There is something that makes the relationship impossible. I'd like to say that it's about the unique circumstances of the book/character. I'd like to say that. I'd like to say that it's not about my lifelong inability to stay hitched to one person, one place, one thing. I'd like to say that.

That's one of the many tripwire's I've set for myself. Everyword's about someone else. Every word is about me. Every word is about you. Every word. Empty is thinking like this. Empty