Lessons

Emotions continue to surprise me. All part of my learning curve, move along, nothing to see here! That's really the advice for me as well: move along, nothing to see here. Kinda.

There really isn't anything dangerous to see. When I'm gripping and scared, you'd most often see the happy guy or maybe the frowny guy. I just look like I'm thinking deeply when I'm frowny. That's probably good. I don't want to worry anyone. I do want to have a sharper understanding of some of the bland events that cause me anxiety. I want to have a sharper understanding of how I become vunerable to that state. I think I know the main reason why I get anxious.

I'm not the Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing or the Jittery Guy. I'm the guy who's trying to be awake rather than in retreat while in the world. Pretty much successful at hanging in and I'm happy with how I've been hanging in. What this enables me to do is better feel and evaluate what's happening right in front of me. I don't close my eyes and have to guess later at what I might have been looking at.

The big lesson here is that I have got to kick my own butt everyday, using a gentle kicking motion. I have to propel my manback forward every day. I had been convinced that I could relax for a day after a few days of push. No. Wrong. If I'm not nudging myself forward, I'm going to slide backwards. That is far more extreme than I thought. But that's how it works for me. I have seen this pattern clearly during my hiatus and now that I'm back at work.

What's a backslide? It's the confused place where the fantasy world starts to eclipse what's in front of me. This is the opposite of what happens when I'm building energy and attention. The gentle push that I keep talking about seems to work both ways. That continues to be a surprise.

You're actually reading a Philometer as much as a blog. If you don't see at least four posts a week, Phil, in the famous words in our family, is slipping. Don't worry though. I'm finding my way and that will include lessons that take me down the wrong path. It's a trial-by-error way of learning where to go. Even taking the wrong path counts. I just don't want to find myself sitting on the trail, inactive, and wondering where the path might lead.