Yes or No

I wouldn't normally expect the difference between yes and no to be so murky.

That's been my problem for the past few weeks. I couldn't identify this simple difference. Thankfully, the distinction between up and down, left and right and a few other key ones remained intact.

Okay, I'm having a bit of fun with a category mistake. Not so much, yes and no, but good for ya, bad for ya. Perhaps two new words are needed, something snappier than beneficial and detrimental.

My very world has been in jeopardy the past few weeks, my little world fallin apart. Couldn't figure out why. Was it divorce, distance from family, isolation, job, bad diet, lack of intense exercise, bad brain, loss, money, lack of cats, ghosts, lack of sun?

Right now the smart money is that I don't like job! The folks are nice, lots of positives. It's just not a job for me. What was exciting the first couple months were the training classes. I was back in school, sitting in the front row, the guy with the answers.

Once I was installed in my cubicle, I could feel just what a grind this work was. For me, not for everyone. Hell, when I made my first sale for many tens of thousands of dollars, I didn't even yawn. That's not good. Worse, the very aspect of the job that I saw as creative (yes, an accurate description) turns out I didn't like. How very funny.

The good news is that I've allowed myself to be miserable. Misery is an important indicator that something's making you miserable. Once misery prodded me enough, I started checking the list above for a likely culprit. Sure, more than one weepy vector was involved, but the job one was the real ugliness.

I had cautioned myself that with a change of career might result in a bad match initially. That I might have to take a do-over. Or two. Or go back to school. Now that I've recognized that I am bored stiff at my job, I've begun looking for something different. Yesterday, a friend emailed and asked if I was still looking for a gig because her company had a job. A book job. A different friend earlier that day suggested that I consider her book company as a good place to work.

My reaction made it clear to me. I am excited by the book. It's a nutrient filled package that I still love. The trick, if I'm reading everything correctly, is to be able to touch them regularly in my job. My last gig: too far away from them. I really could have been peddling widgets instead. I need to stump for books.

I have an interview tomorrow with a company that I admire, Chronicle Books. I also interviewed for another postion at the Times. At this point, I don't feel excitement for that as I do for the book job. In just a couple day's time, what seemed like a very good alternative, now seems like a drab lifevest. That, I think, is what I've been working and praying for. Have true emotions and then decisions are self-evident.

Even though yes and no throw me, I can tell the difference between relief and excitement. I felt relief at getting hired at the Times, but excitement at the possibility of working for Chronicle Books.

That's my tale of yes and no. It's an obvious part of the learning curve in my world o emotions. Hey, figure out, without using the Ben Franklin close, how to make decisions based on what I feel. On what I feel. Yes or no. Off or on.