Nomencrazy

Pride is not a straightforward drug. The dosing guidelines aren't really as clear as they could be. In fact, just what was in that bottle?

I've pointed the finger of pride at myself this week. What merited this charge? I thought that I'd find my way through the thicket of loss cleanly, without scrapes, pricks or tangles, disregarding Ecclesiastes or at least the Byrds. Ha! Good one! For some reason, I had my linear hat on (describe that headgear in 10 words or less) and began to believe that since I felt A, that led to B. Now that B's on the table, here come C. A all gone. Craziness. Cloudiness. Bad craziness.

My evaluation was arrogance. Some silly thinking made me immune to a natural, jagged, healing process. I thought that those rules didn't apply to me because I, what? What could it be that I thought would justify that belief? Sounds likely, eh?

I don't think so now. I don't think that the culprit was pride. I'm not confident that I can explain this clearly. What I was calling pride or arrogance was a smoke screen. I think it was fear that I had named "pride." When I called my self out, I defaulted to pride, or arrogance.

However, I don't this it was pride. My working theory is that I pushed forward not out of supreme overconfidence but because of fear. Fear of what? Hard to say. Of being with me and finding out about me? Of all the silence that has entered my life? Of real change? Who wants to admit that they are afraid? Pride sounds better. A lot better. It's a classier mistake too. It's great being able to say, "I Blah blah blah, Pride, blah blah." Aren't I humble and open, not unlike a holy man?

Nope, I'm not completely naieve. The connection between overconfidence and insecurity has been a concept to me for some time. Apparently not a concept that I was willing to fit onto myself.

I continue to find that my empirical (who knew that the buddha and Hume had so much in common?) approach helps me see what's in front of me. In this instance, I recognized fear, not pride, keeping me on the run. Most spectacular is that this attention (mindfulness!) has led to a gaudy dismantling of some long-held misnamed emotions. Never suspected that I could do this.

What do I lose and gain here with this terminology ju jitsu? That will take some time to consider but I might not have to do much other than just feel it. I bet it will feel like I'm in tune, not out of key.

I have a revived appreciation for all the hours I spent with the philosophy folks, making distinctions. Life is tricky enough without thinking that fear is pride. Props to me (good pride?) for looking into this scary place.