Words make me

Today at work, it was the words. They made me tired. I had to listen to a lot of them. I don't think that there is some optimal number that can fit into my head. It's more that some words are better than others. The words that people used today to prepare me for my new work reality were supposed to strengthen me. Instead, they've stirred a brooding anxiety.

It's an old story. How many times in your life has a well-intended parent, friend, spouse offered some helpful dose of reality that unfortunately left a bitter flavor for years?

One early mysterious example of well-meaning words concerned an Uncle. He died when I was young, maybe six or seven. I barely knew this guy so to this day I find my reaction to how the news broke weird. There was a bit of an upset, a fuss. I was reassured that it was okay because "my uncle Bill was in Heaven with the angels." That was apparently very creepy to me. I burst into tears and was quite upset. That's my vivid sensory memory and I have very few childhood memories. I remember being on our stair's landing, above whoever told me. Maybe I was too close to the angels for comfort.

So why did I react so strongly to words that were meant to soften one of life's inevitable blows? It took years for me to understand that communication is a complex, deep thing. My antennae picked up the real message that day: "please don't let him know that everything dies and it is a terrible thing." We animals are very good at sensing the hidden monster. Thanks! Like that's something that we want!

Any ambiguous situation puts my limbic system on alert for those monsters. Words alone can turn into an ambiguous situation for me. If I don't know what's true, then I have to devote a lot of energy to defining what's lurking in the periphery.

My recent default has been to name every ambiguity or quiver: "monster." That misnaming has been damaging my life but I am getting better at understanding this harmful pattern. That's good, of course. Identification of the monster, no matter the size, is always helpful- unless you're a second away from being eaten! (Oops. Sorry, that's my old self talking.) My gloomy default had created a reality that became unbearable.

If today's monster was my colleagues thinking that life can be difficult, that's a small, mundane monster indeed. I'm working hard to prevent myself from changing any random words or twitches into flesh. There are enough true contenders for the title "monster" out there already.